the untold love story

those were th adenturous days of youth, days when i was a fresher in college...

days of strength n independence, days when i'd never believe, i would fall for, or grow dependent on, someone. or something.

and then i met her.

clad in exquisite white, she was hanging out with my seniors. i cant say i had not seen her before, but it was NOW that i got attracted,

attracted STRONGLY,

by her poise..by her style! i was smitten!

call it my luck, my senior noticed the look in my eyes. he introduced us.

n then began, in rosy haze of youth, a whirlwind courtship.

some said i was besotted. .or bewitched.

but no one knew, i 'd fallen forever, then n there.

sometimes i'd show off her company, although knowing within it'd be adjudged bad company by our self righteous society..

n sometimes steal chances to be alone with her..between lectures, behind th canteen, or at th movies..

not even exams could keep us apart. i'd call it a break from studies, a refreshment, a reward.. however i rationalised, i couldnt help myself! somethin had changed in me.probably i'd crossed a line which i could never "uncross" again.

still remember the awe on faces of some, and the glaring disapproval about her on some. always a rebel, i ignored em. but i kept telling myself that we'd part after college, n she'd be history.

but i never let go.

couldnt let go in those frustrating days of job hunting, days spent doing odd jobs n days of self doubt. money was hard to come by, and so was peace of mind.

but she was always there; when i needed her in my solitude, to help me think, to help me plan my life, to help me dream.

but i never told my mom bout her, or any other elders.

there wasnt any point. it was certain they'd disapprove of her.

so i never discussed, and they never asked. n time moved on.i got my job, n began the slow climb up the corporate ladder.
and then, one day, mom asked me to get married. mom said this pretty, well educated and homely daughter of mr. very-rich was willing, and so was i. i got married.

however i still didnt stop seeing her. behind th wife's back...

at odd times n odd places..

we kept meeting.

she was just there when i needed her.

something this intense, n this old doesnt stay concealed. the wife found out!

she broke down, threw tantrums, cried like a baby.. made me feel as guilty as shit.

but i just couldnt let go.

finally the wife gave up. rather, she came to terms with something that had come in my life

before her.

eventually, with matrimony ensued children. but my affair wont die out either, not even when i had kids of my own

my mistress was my obsession now, she was now my lifestyle: my personality. she was ME. rather, i was becoming hers, nothing but hers.

in my victories, in my defeats,

in my celebrations, and in mournings,

in silence and noise,

or in solitude and crowd,

if there was one constant... it was her.

and why not? she was there, always by me.

sometimes my wife caught us in my own house, and verbal rapes ensued.

sometimes my kids saw me with her, and shot innocent questioning glances.

but mostly i was a responsible dad..

and i never realised... never knew WHEN i went overboard.

till i had a white letter in my mail.

a white letter that said i had cancer, a cancer beyond cure.

they said it was cuz of her.

think you know her name.

they call her a 'CIGARETTE'

-manan